i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
