My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
