Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
