we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
