I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
