I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
