I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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