the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
