the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
