Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
