You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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