i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
