I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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