my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
