Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
