I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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