And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
