she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
