OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
