Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
