don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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