how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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