You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
