When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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