I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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