8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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