On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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