im drinking this country out of the recession.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
