I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
