im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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