3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
