I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
