Cold hands, warm shart.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
