Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
