When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize