i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
