every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
