Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
