you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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