so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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