It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
