i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
