tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
