Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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