new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
