Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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