my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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