just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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