she was so not down for the gang bang
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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