Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
