Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
