His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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