Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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