i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
