birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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