I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
