I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
