when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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