I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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