yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
