You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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