I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
