3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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