the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
