no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
